As the holiday season arrives, there is much to be grateful for. There are gatherings and celebrations to look forward to with your favorite humans. There are moments of simple ordinary joy like taking your first sip of hot coffee in the morning, crossing off a task from your to-do list, or receiving an encouraging message from a friend. When things are going well, gratitude comes easily, and you lean into those positive feelings. What happens when you experience unpleasantness, inconveniences, or heartbreak? Are you able to navigate with compassion and patience?

I’m having a terrible moment, although I recognize it’s fixable and will pass. My computer is giving me BIG trouble. Yes. I talked with tech support and am working on the problem. There’s more to do, but I guess it’s time to replace my computer. This is not something I want to do right now, but it’s also no fun having my computer crash continually, go as slow as molasses, and not be able to handle the work I do each day. Time, the most precious commodity, is being wasted. My frustration levels are increasing.

During the educational NERCPO conference this weekend, presenter Rubina Motta spoke about productivity and eliminating waste in your processes. She said waste is “anything that adds cost or time without adding value.” Was she talking to me? Rubina explained the “seven deadly wastes,” of which “waiting” was one of them. I understand how waiting is essential and unavoidable at times. However, waiting for my computer programs to load while the multicolored wheel spins or reboots because the computer froze again, I could do without.

There’s a quote by author L.R. Knost, who shares a perspective about life that is both realistic and hopeful. She said,

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

“Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. ”

— L.R. Knost

I love Knost’s advice, which I’m going to follow right now.

I will breathe in the amazing as I . . .

• Marvel at the deep rich red maple leaves dotting the fall landscape

• Spend time with my loved ones

• Walk along the river and in the woods

• Enjoy the flavors, textures, and scents of the foods I eat

• Hear music that makes me well up with emotion

• What amazing things will you breathe in?

I will hold on through the awful as I . . .

• Figure out what tech steps are needed next

• Grieve for the family and friends who have passed

• What awful things are you navigating?

I will relax and exhale during the ordinary as I . . .

• Do my daily mindfulness meditation

• Practice yoga

• Journal

• Brush my teeth

• Shower

• Organize my days

• Get into bed at night

• What ordinary things are you relaxing into?

Life is a mix of emotions, experiences, joy, heartbreak, and more. Some days are more challenging than others. Extend extra compassion to yourself as you navigate life’s ups and downs. Breathe, hold on, and relax through all that is before you. What are you noticing now? What is your time and attention feeding? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

What is one of the biggest obstacles that prevent you from making the changes you want? Our automatic negative thoughts, aka ANTS, can be a change blocker. They can damage your self-esteem, make you doubt your decisions, stop you from reaching your goals, or keep you stuck in a loop of negativity. What becomes possible when you transform negative energy and shift to a positive, growth-oriented mindset? How could that change benefit you?

Recently I was struggling with some personal ANTS. I discovered several strategies for working with and changing persistent negative self-talk. Shower yourself with love. In celebration of February, the love month, I encourage you to keep those warm Valentine’s Day feelings alive and extend some extra love and compassion to yourself.

As you consider these strategies I learned, I hope they will help you reframe the negativity and flourish.

5 Ways to Empower Change by Quieting Your Negative Self-Talk

During a weekly Executive Mom Nest coaching session, Leesa Askew, incredible colleague, Nest Advisor, and Transformational Coach, presented ideas about making your mindset an asset. To do that, she shared ways to “change the channel…change the programming.” Leesa learned these ANTS-busting strategies from Dr. Daniel Amen.

1. Write Affirmations

Create affirmations to counteract those ANTS. Write down three to five uplifting phrases you can repeat and keep in view. You can use your own words or find a favorite quote. This is one of Leesa’s personal favorites:

“I am always in the right place at the right time in the right state of mind.” 

If you feel stuck finding your words and want to try something fun, check out the interactive Affirmation Wheel my husband shared with me from Noom. When I clicked on the wheel, it coincidentally landed on this one:

“I have the power to create change.” 

How awesome is that? The next time doubt creeps in, I’ll have this affirmation ready to work its magic.

2.  Use Music

As Leesa said, music is a powerful force that “can stimulate the brain” and put you in a “subliminal trance.” She suggests creating a “Killing the ANTS Playlist.”  Which songs lift you up, bring a smile to your face, and shift your mood from crummy to happy? Music can completely alter how we feel. What songs will you include on your playlist? 

Here are several from mine:

• Respect – Aretha Franklin

• Happy – Pharrell Williams

• Better Together – Jack Johnson

• Stand By Me – Ben King

• Can’t Get What You Want – The Rolling Stones

• With A Little Help From My Friends – The Beatles

Pharrell Williams - Happy (video)

3. Get Physical

Interestingly, any type of physical activity can energize you and stop those negative thoughts from surfacing. Leesa shared how 25 jumping jacks can give you more energy than drinking two cups of coffee. Plus, physical movement has the added bonus of shifting your mindset to the positive. 

The next time your ANTS come marching in, stand up, get moving, and say bye-bye to the negativity. Take a brisk walk, go on a bike ride, dance around the house (using your new playlist, of course,) or do those 25 jumping jacks. You’ve got this!

“I have the power to create change.”

— Noom, Affirmation Wheel

Each week I receive Todd Henry’s 3 Things email, the “creative sparks to help you do better work.”  This week’s edition was well-timed because Todd included strategies for counteracting the negative “chatter” in your head. Hello, negative self-talk!

Todd referenced his podcast conversation with Dr. Ethan Kross, psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and author of Chatter – The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It.  I love these ideas Todd shared from the podcast with Dr. Kross, and I hope you do too.

4. Address Yourself

When negative self-talk takes over, “speak countering messages directly to yourself, and call yourself by name when you do it.” This is so powerful. If I rewrite my affirmation from number one above, it becomes,

“Linda, you have the power to create change.”

Coming in loudly and clearly. What message do you need to hear?

5. Welcome Growth

We often receive feedback, which may be unsolicited or not. When the comment isn’t favorable, doubt and negative self-talk can surface. I love this suggestion for redirecting that energy.

“Refuse to personalize critiques, but instead see them as an opportunity for growth.” 

Adopting the growth mindset is valuable in all situations. It shifts the focus from being defensive or thinking, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ to ‘what can I learn from this?’ 

Are there changes you’d like to pursue but find that ANTS create an obstacle? Which strategies resonate with you? Do you have other ways to counterbalance negative self-talk? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

Loss is part of the human experience. It’s one of the things we have in common with each other. When we lose someone we love, we often want to hold onto their physical possessions to remind us of them. In most situations, keeping some meaningful treasures is comforting. But what happens when your deceased loved one’s stuff overwhelms you? Maybe you are the person who is responsible for deciding what to do with their possessions. Perhaps all of their things have landed in your home, and you don’t have space, time, or energy to edit them. Maybe you’re still grieving, and it feels impossible or too soon to choose. I get it. I’ve been there personally and have walked the road with clients as they’ve faced similar circumstances.

It’s been seven months since my mom passed away. I miss her so much. I completed the editing and dispossessing process. Her lifetime of things, including her home of almost 60 years, has been sold, given to family members, donated, or discarded. I kept some furniture, art, books, jewelry, photos, memorabilia, and documents. There are still a few things I need to decide about. But mostly, her possessions and life are settled.

Beyond her stuff and physical presence, she remains with me in other ways. She visits me in my dreams. When I hear the music of Bach, Mozart, or musicals like The Sound of Music, I think of her. More recently, I was reminded about the power of the olfactory sense, which can transport us to another time in an instant. I hope my story will help you as you journey on your letting go path.

The Pine Needles

I am obsessed with the smell of the pines when I trek down the block. It’s as if I’m a huntress, hunting the scent. Several months ago, when I walked, I only smelled the pine if the wind blew in a particular way. The smell was fleeting. It was there one step and gone the next. I would back step, trying to get “it” again, but the aroma was gone. 

Why am I so obsessed? 

I have a memory from age six or seven. My parents took my siblings and me to a nature preserve for the weekend. Our car was packed with sleeping bags, slabs of wax for the lanterns, coolers, cots, and our dog, Sandy. They rented a lean-to, a three-sided, roofed structure, for our stay.

As we entered the park and drove up the road, tall, gracious pine trees marked the path on either side. My mom had my dad stop the car. She insisted we all gaze at the trees, open our windows, and take in their beautiful fragrance. My mom loved the smell. As we stood, I could hear her inhale the scent as she breathed in deeply and smiled. For those few minutes, the five of us stared and smelled as we enjoyed the moment. Whenever I smell fresh pine, I think of her.

On my walks down my block, I try to get a whiff of the trees. And every so often, I catch it. Then a few weeks ago, I noticed the dried pine needles falling in bunches to the ground. With their release came a concentrated scent. I’d walk, and there was the smell. I felt transported back to the time I had that moment with my mom so many decades ago.

She’s gone now. She left this year in March at 92 years young. But as I wander down the block, kicking the pine needles as I walk, it makes their fragrance even more intense. Gratitude and calm fill my being as I activate the aroma and feel my mom’s presence, strong like the scent of the dried pine needles.

“Gently let go when you can.”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®, CVPO™

For those of you that have lost a loved one, my heart goes out to you. If you are overwhelmed and struggling with letting go of physical possessions, I offer you this. Can you keep a few treasures and physical reminders? Can you allow the rest to move on? Your loved one’s memory will be with you in other ways through your stories, dreams, scents, sounds, and more. They wouldn’t want you to be overwhelmed or feel burdened by their stuff. Gently let go when you can.

Besides material possessions, what other ways keep you connected to your loved ones who have passed? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

In my life and the organizing work, I do with clients, letting go can be accompanied by loss and intense emotions. Loss can be of a loved one, a move away from a treasured home, a change in family structure, or a job.

Even when a change is something we want, letting go of what was, is inevitable. Because without letting go, we cannot move forward and remain stuck in the past. For some, letting go can be freeing. For others, the process is painful. It depends on the person and circumstance.

Letting Go Slowly

My mom died last month. I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways I’ve had to let go in these years. There has been letting go of her as her dementia worsened, along with the physical stuff that she owned. About four years ago, we moved mom from her home of almost 60 years into a memory care unit in an assisted living facility. At that time, I cleared out and sold her house. This was the home I grew up in and that our family gathered in for almost six decades. 

There was so much letting go that happened then. While the family wanted many of my parents’ belongings, there were many things they didn’t take. The leftovers were sold, recycled, donated, or discarded. We let go of the house contents and then the actual house. It was necessary, but I felt a profound loss and shift. 

More Letting Go

By the time I moved my mom into The Ambassador, her possessions fit into the contents of one room. She had just what she needed. No more. No less. I decorated her room before moving in so she would feel comfortable being surrounded by her favorite art, music, family photos, and piano.

After she died, I cleared out her room. It struck me how simple the process was compared to clearing out her home. The most challenging work I already did. But I noticed something interesting. While I had loving offers from my husband and kids to help pack up her room, I needed to do it myself. For me, part of letting go included touching her things one last time. I carefully packed up the framed pictures. I washed and gently folded her clothes before passing them on. For so many years, I had taken care of my mom and all of her things. I wanted to give them one last loving touch goodbye as I packed them up and routed them to family or the donation place.

“Letting go requires patience, time, readiness, and space to get there.”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®, CVPO™

Balancing Loss

Grief isn’t something you get over. It’s something you live with that never entirely goes away but varies in intensity. I said earlier that one reason we let go is so we can move forward. And I get that. I believe that. But I also know that letting go requires patience, time, readiness, and space to get there. To help balance the emotions and grief, I’ve spent a lot of time these past weeks taking walks, resting, meditating, writing, talking with family and friends, getting fresh air, noticing the spring flowers, and being in the woods or near water. These help me focus on the present, reflect on the past, slowly let go, and move on. 

Some types of letting go are more energizing. This one, losing my mom and wrapping up her life, feels different. I’m being gentle with myself as I continue letting go, handle the remaining details of mom’s life, and find my way forward.

Is letting go a challenge for you? Does it feel different when it is accompanied by loss? What helps you let go? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.