What is it that you expect of yourself and others right now? What can you let go of? Have you noticed a lot of ‘shoulding’ going on? As in, “Now that I have extra time, I should be organizing my entire house,” or “Now that I’m not working, I should be learning a new skill,” or “Now that I’m self-isolating, I should be pushing myself to get a lot more done each day.” Do any of these sounds familiar? I am guilty as charged. 

Last week, I shared with a friend that I never got to the things that I intended to do that day. Instead, my day included meditation, a yoga class, a walk by the river, and baking. Those were my essentials. However, I felt guilty that I should have been doing other things or more things. My friend reminded me of something she heard on a Practicing Human podcast. These were such welcome, affirming words.

“Allow yourself to have the kind of day you need to have, and without judgment.”

I’ve taken that message to heart, especially the “without judgment” part. In this time of stress and uncertainty, it’s kinder to extend gentleness. Like you, I am doing my best to keep it together. Each day we receive news about radical shifts and changes to daily life, loved ones dying, overwhelm that is paralyzing, and all types of grief.  Yet we put one foot in front of the other. We keep breathing. We find ways to soothe, cope, and carry on.

To be honest with you, the post this week was going to be something else altogether. But the message my friend shared kept playing over and over in my head. 

“Allow yourself to have the kind of day you need to have, and without judgment.”

I took that to heart. Yesterday included meditation, a Zoom call with our kids, a magnificently long walk with my husband in a nearby wooded sanctuary, and writing this post. What I needed this day was to connect with my family and nature and to write a shorter post.

What is it you need? How will you give yourself the day you need, judgment-free? What will you let go of? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

What is it with guilt and the difficulty of letting it go? We feel guilty when we think we’ve done something wrong or failed to do something we thought we should have done. We blame ourselves when something we feel responsible for we didn’t do. During several recent conversations, I’ve noticed that we’ve been especially hard on ourselves and experienced many types of guilt. We’re living in an unusual time. The world is in crisis because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Life has changed overnight for many of us, and we are adjusting to living differently. Stress and emotions are heightened, as is our tendency for self-blame and guilt.

Let’s be kinder. We are living in a raw wound-like state. Letting go of guilt is an act of self-compassion. There are several guilt themes I’ve noticed. I’ll share them with you, along with some encouragement for letting go. What have you observed? 

How to Let Go of Guilt During the COVID-19 Crisis

Productivity Guilt

In a recent The New York Times article, “Stop Trying to Be Productive,” Taylor Lorenz makes the case that the message we’re hearing is that we should be more productive with the “extra hours” we were gifted because of the pandemic. However, our experience is quite different. Even though we might have freed-up hours in the day because we aren’t commuting to work or have no work, we are exhausted. We’re finding it challenging enough to take care of the basics. So we are experiencing productivity guilt because we aren’t organizing our decades of memorabilia, cleaning out our garages, writing that novel, or accomplishing more in a day. Let your productivity guilt go.

I admit to erring on the side of staying productive. I want to accomplish things. But I also recognize that we are experiencing grief-like symptoms. So instead of pushing and expecting, we need to be gentle and compassionate. Adjust your expectations of what productivity looks like for now. Instead, focus on what you need to feel healthy, calm, and sane. That might mean a shift to a human being rather than doing.

Being Normal Guilt

Daily meditation is an essential part of my morning routine. Especially now, I am so grateful for this practice. Most days, I use guided meditations on the Insight Timer app. Lately, I’ve been experimenting with some newly released practices that focus on helping us navigate the COVID-19 crisis. They help me with discovering useful perspectives, offering calming strategies, and increasing compassion for self and others. In a recent practice, I listened to Rick Breden’s “Six Questions to Ask Yourself During COVID-19.” Rick is a psychotherapist and CEO of Behavioral Essentials. He asked this question,“What expectations of normal am I letting go of today?”

“What expectations of normal am I letting go of today?”

— Rick Breden

I loved that question because so many of us expect that we should be living like business as usual. But there is nothing ordinary about this time. Having some grace to let go of “normal,” means we can also let go of that guilt. We can let go of should and gift ourselves flexibility and the time needed to adjust to living differently.

Boundaries Guilt

I predict that at some point, you will be directly touched by COVID-19. You might have a family member, coworker, or patient that has it.  As humans, we’re wired to help people. Many people are being asked to go above and beyond to serve and help others while they are potentially putting themselves in harm’s way. Healthcare workers are being asked to be on the front lines and possibly come out of retirement or enter the workforce pre-graduation to assist all those in need. You might have a family member living with or near you that is ill and needs your help, which could put you in danger of also getting sick. Each of us has to decide what we are willing and not willing to do. What risks are we willing to take? And choosing not to help in every situation can result in a lot of guilt. This is a personal choice and a difficult one. If you are experiencing guilt around asserting your boundaries, I understand. Consider what you need to feel safe and remain healthy. Let the boundary guilt go.

Commitment Guilt

When I commit to something or someone, I like to honor my word. If I don’t, I feel guilty, and as though I’ve failed myself and the other person. This has happened a few times in the past few weeks. Circumstances were such that I wasn’t able to be at an event I had committed to or plan an annual event. In one instance, a family member needed my help, and that took priority over another commitment. In the other case, I recognized I didn’t have the bandwidth now to plan a large (virtual) gathering. And even though intellectually I understood the reasons, I was harsh with myself. I felt guilty for changing what I had committed to. I recognized that the kindness I needed was to let go of that guilt. So if you have experienced something similar, it’s time to let go. Grant yourself some grace and flexibility. Be open to adjusting your commitments if needed, guilt-free.

Complaint Guilt

There are so many horrific things happening in the world. People are dying, losing their jobs, and unable to feed their families. Communities are being destroyed. Health care workers are overworked and don’t have adequate protective gear and supplies to help those in need. Because there are so many horrible things going on, we feel guilty complaining about inconveniences like having spring vacation taken away or being unhappy with having to work virtually. There will always be someone that has it worse than you do. So instead of feeling guilty about complaining, perhaps turn it around and focus on gratitude. You can be grateful that you have a job, and simultaneously be upset and guilty that you don’t like how you’re being asked to do your job right now. Those two things can exist simultaneously. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s important to honor and express your feelings. Complaining or expressing is cathartic. Let go of the guilt and need we have to do it.

Communication Guilt

Many of us are in more intense contact with people now. We use a variety of ways to keep in touch and reach through the phone, email, texts, letters, Face Time, Skype, Zoom, or other platforms. Some of us are communicating with family, friends, and coworkers in new ways or more frequently. For some of us, it might feel like a full-time job. There are so many people we are concerned about in various corners of the world and in our lives. After several weeks of this, some of us are beginning to feel exhausted by the pandemic talk. Even though we think we should be reaching out, what we really feel like doing is retreating into our cocoon. No talking. No communicating. Just being still and quiet. That response is resulting in some feelings of guilt. After all, we keep hearing how important it is to stay in touch with people. So many are isolated. For those feeling guilty about wanting to communicate less, let your guilt go. Honor your needs. This doesn’t have to be an all or nothing. Take a break or reach out less frequently. Adjust what enough feels like.

We’re all feeling raw with the changes and uncertainty. It’s essential to focus on those things that lift us up, reduce stress, and help us feel centered. From there, we can increase our reserves so we have something left to help others. Guilt depletes us. Be generous with your self-compassion. Are you having difficulty letting go of guilt? What are you experiencing? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to leave a comment and join the conversation.

Another week has passed as we navigate and adjust to the rapidly changing COVID-19 world crisis. More schools, local stores, restaurants, and industries have shut down, and additional closures are coming. We’re learning how to stay in place as we manage the new realities of family, health, work, or the lack thereof. Each one of us will be touched if we haven’t already, by loss of loved ones, income, and life as we knew it. People have described the “brain fog” and a general sense of anxiety they’re feeling. Others have shared how essential their need to stay connected to “community” is, especially at this time.

Each day brings a new awareness about how to cope with next, given all the uncertainty. I continue to learn and be inspired by you and the ways you are facing each day of unknowns with grace, compassion, and humor. None of us know how long this pandemic will last or in what ways our lives will be changed. We only have today. It is what we do today that matters.

Several things happened this week that helped me cope with next. I hope some of these will help you in the weeks ahead.

7 Uplifting Discoveries That Will Help You Cope With Next

1. Be Compassionate

Extending compassion to others comes in many forms, from offering a listening ear to sharing a smile with a stranger, to bringing groceries to someone who is homebound. One of my girlfriends told me about her friend that just started the initiative, Million Gallons. Their goal is to provide food security for restaurant, hospitality, and other workers that have been displaced by the coronavirus in Westchester County and New York City. A Million Gallons hopes to make and distribute one million gallons of soup. I am in awe of how quickly they mobilized with compassion and purpose to help those in need. To learn more about their compassion-driven cause, watch the video. What act of kindness have you experienced?

2. Identify Feelings

You might be feeling all kinds of emotions. Some of them you can easily name, while others are harder to identify. One of the feelings that surfaced in several conversations this past week was grief. On a Zoom call with my organizing colleagues, after listening to them share how they were feeling, it was clear that a few were experiencing grief. Their grief was not over the loss of a loved one. Instead, it was from their loss of purpose, of working, and of helping their clients. Later in the week, both my yoga teacher and Rabbi referenced the Harvard Business Review article, That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. In the article, David Kessler, the preeminent grief expert, explored how to acknowledge, manage, and find meaning in the pandemic-induced grief you could be experiencing. It’s an insightful piece that helped me feel gentler towards others and myself. What are you feeling right now?

3. Find Humor

In this time of social distancing and isolation, we are finding different ways of being engaged with the world. I’ve become more aware of how institutions such as museums, aquariums, and zoos are keeping us connected through video. One segment I saw this past week made me smile from ear to ear. Two penguins from the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago were allowed to run loose as they wandered around and toured the exhibits. It was so much fun to watch! What added humor to your day?

4. Notice Indicators

Being that I live in New York, which is one of the current COVID-19 outbreak hotbeds, my husband and I have been staying put. We only go out to get groceries, pick-up food from local restaurants, go on walks, take a drive to nowhere, or do yard work. When I’m out, I notice changes, especially at the grocery store. Several weeks ago, I saw shortages of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and disinfecting wipes. As the weeks continued, additional items came into short supply like hand soap, dish soap, paper towels, tissues, cleaning supplies, ice cream, eggs, Tylenol, chicken broth, and chicken. And this week, when I went to the market, the chicken and ice cream had been replenished, but the entire supply of chocolate chip morsels had been ravaged. Those shelves were completely empty. I realized that one of the home activities parents were doing with their kids was baking cookies. A happy feeling ran through me, as I was flooded with love-filled memories of baking with our daughters. What indicators are you noticing?

5. Get Creative

It’s been fascinating to watch how companies and individuals are using the pause to get creative with projects, how they do business or infuse creativity in their days. Baked By Susan, one of our local bakeries, put together “decorate your own cupcake” kits. One of my friends is busy knitting a complicated cardigan. I’ve been testing out some new recipes, writing, taking photos, and creating organizing videos. One of the recent recipes I tried from the Yotam Ottolenghi’s Simple cookbook that my daughter, Allison, gave me was mashed sweet potato with lime salsa. It was so delicious and easy to make. If you’d like the recipe, let me know in the comments, and I’ll share it with you. What creative outlets are catching your attention?

6. Seek Connections

You might be isolating, but you are not alone. There are different ways that we connected with people before the pandemic. And temporarily, many of those intentional and casual points of contact have now been cut off. But we are social beings. We need one another. One of the things that have kept me sane is finding new ways to connect and “be with” the various communities and people in my life. Zoom has been a positive and satisfying way of staying connected with family, friends, colleagues, yoga, organizing, and spiritual communities. I recognize that not everyone feels connected to a community. If you are struggling, feeling alone and isolated, the COVID-19 Emotional Support Hotline is 844-863-9314. What way has connecting changed for you during this time?

7. Explore Nature

We experience many positive benefits for our wellbeing when we spend time in nature. Can you recall a recent time when you walked in the woods, felt the fresh air and sun on your skin, or dipped your toes in the sea? Being surrounded by nature can be restorative for our minds and bodies. Lately, I’ve mostly been walking in the woods since the path is less crowded than other local spots. But this week, I walked along the Hudson River path. I loved being by the water, hearing the birds sing, and seeing the spring foliage just beginning to bloom. I know that not everyone has access to or the desire to be outdoors. One of the other discoveries I made this week was from the New York Botanical Garden. Like many institutions, they too have temporarily closed. However, you can take a virtual tour of their magnificent orchid exhibit. So if you love seeing, but not being in nature, try a remote viewing. In what way does nature improve your wellbeing?

When we are experiencing grief and other strong emotions, it’s hard to think about next. In this time, next might need to be a big dose of self-compassion. Or, perhaps it will be you reaching out to someone else that is hurting. Regardless, there are ways to cope and simultaneously uplift yourself and others. What have you discovered? What has inspired you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to leave a comment and join our conversation.

It started Sunday morning with bananas. Instead of focusing on the anxiety of all things COVID-19-related, I found inspiration in my next choice. As I entered the kitchen, I noticed the browning bananas sitting on top of the fruit bowl. They looked perfect for baking. The thing is, I haven’t baked in a while. Don't get me wrong. I love to bake, but I’ve been staying away from bread and sweet things these days. However, at that moment, the next thing I felt like doing was to make banana muffins. So I did, and added some dried sour cherries to the batter too (so delicious!)

Baking has always been fun and therapeutic, and this batch of muffins didn’t disappoint. I measured, mashed, mixed, and scooped. My spirits lifted as our home filled with the wafting, delicious scent coming from the oven.  And what fun is baking if you can’t share it? Together, my husband and I enjoyed the warm muffins and berry fruit salad breakfast.  We followed that with a nice long walk in the woods.

If I could, I would give you a banana muffin right now. Instead, I’ll share my recipe with you.

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Linda’s Banana Muffins

Oven: 400° | Yield: 12 muffins | Bake:  20-25 minutes

In a bowl, stir together and set aside:

1-3/4 cups flour

¼ cup sugar

¼ cup brown sugar

2 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. ground ginger

1 tsp. ground clove

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

In another bowl, mix together

1 beaten egg

¾ cup milk

1/3 cup canola oil

In third bowl, mash

2 ripe bananas

Pour egg mixture into the flour mixture and stir. Stir in bananas. If desired, add 1/3 cup of dried sour cherries, dried cranberries, raisins, or chocolate morsels into the batter.

Grease cupcake pans with canola spray or butter. Fill cups one-half or more full. Bake at 400° for 20-25 minutes.

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My impromptu baking made me think about the week of adjustments we’ve all had. With an increase in closures, cancellations, working from home, and staying in place orders, we’ve experienced unprecedented disruptions and change this week. Teachers were getting accustomed to teaching online, restaurants were retooling for curbside pick-up only or closing temporarily, loved ones were getting ill, trying to get tested, or stressing over if they had been infected or infected others. People that had never worked from home were navigating how to do that.

Most of us were figuring out ways to cope and self-soothe in this anxiety-laden time. Collectively we were doing things like walking (a lot) meditating, practicing yoga, crocheting, organizing, puzzling (as in doing jigsaw puzzles) journaling, jogging, watching, reading, gardening, checking in with others, and sleeping.

I also noticed that collectively we got inspired and creative about the new reality. We started experimenting with doing things differently because life changed overnight. It’s been fascinating to observe and partake in. Especially with next being more uncertain than ever, making choices that foster happiness and calm is essential. It’s a crazy, scary time. Yet even with the tumult, we have opportunities to get inspired, be creative, to experiment, examine our priorities, and express gratitude.

Like many of you, I miss the physical presence of being with my family, friends, and clients. Social distancing and isolation have been challenging for many of us. However, there too, people are getting creative about staying socially engaged, despite the distancing. This past week I Face Timed, which I don’t usually do. Using Zoom, I video-chatted with family and friends, had virtual organizing sessions with clients, took yoga classes, had breakfast with a group of girlfriends, and hosted a virtual cocktail party (so much fun!)

What has been different for you this week? Have you felt more creative or been inspired by your next choice? My heart is with each of you as you navigate and find your way during this unprecedented time. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Be well. Stay healthy. I invite you to join the conversation.