What is it that you expect of yourself and others right now? What can you let go of? Have you noticed a lot of ‘shoulding’ going on? As in, “Now that I have extra time, I should be organizing my entire house,” or “Now that I’m not working, I should be learning a new skill,” or “Now that I’m self-isolating, I should be pushing myself to get a lot more done each day.” Do any of these sounds familiar? I am guilty as charged. 

Last week, I shared with a friend that I never got to the things that I intended to do that day. Instead, my day included meditation, a yoga class, a walk by the river, and baking. Those were my essentials. However, I felt guilty that I should have been doing other things or more things. My friend reminded me of something she heard on a Practicing Human podcast. These were such welcome, affirming words.

“Allow yourself to have the kind of day you need to have, and without judgment.”

I’ve taken that message to heart, especially the “without judgment” part. In this time of stress and uncertainty, it’s kinder to extend gentleness. Like you, I am doing my best to keep it together. Each day we receive news about radical shifts and changes to daily life, loved ones dying, overwhelm that is paralyzing, and all types of grief.  Yet we put one foot in front of the other. We keep breathing. We find ways to soothe, cope, and carry on.

To be honest with you, the post this week was going to be something else altogether. But the message my friend shared kept playing over and over in my head. 

“Allow yourself to have the kind of day you need to have, and without judgment.”

I took that to heart. Yesterday included meditation, a Zoom call with our kids, a magnificently long walk with my husband in a nearby wooded sanctuary, and writing this post. What I needed this day was to connect with my family and nature and to write a shorter post.

What is it you need? How will you give yourself the day you need, judgment-free? What will you let go of? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

What is it with guilt and the difficulty of letting it go? We feel guilty when we think we’ve done something wrong or failed to do something we thought we should have done. We blame ourselves when something we feel responsible for we didn’t do. During several recent conversations, I’ve noticed that we’ve been especially hard on ourselves and experienced many types of guilt. We’re living in an unusual time. The world is in crisis because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Life has changed overnight for many of us, and we are adjusting to living differently. Stress and emotions are heightened, as is our tendency for self-blame and guilt.

Let’s be kinder. We are living in a raw wound-like state. Letting go of guilt is an act of self-compassion. There are several guilt themes I’ve noticed. I’ll share them with you, along with some encouragement for letting go. What have you observed? 

How to Let Go of Guilt During the COVID-19 Crisis

Productivity Guilt

In a recent The New York Times article, “Stop Trying to Be Productive,” Taylor Lorenz makes the case that the message we’re hearing is that we should be more productive with the “extra hours” we were gifted because of the pandemic. However, our experience is quite different. Even though we might have freed-up hours in the day because we aren’t commuting to work or have no work, we are exhausted. We’re finding it challenging enough to take care of the basics. So we are experiencing productivity guilt because we aren’t organizing our decades of memorabilia, cleaning out our garages, writing that novel, or accomplishing more in a day. Let your productivity guilt go.

I admit to erring on the side of staying productive. I want to accomplish things. But I also recognize that we are experiencing grief-like symptoms. So instead of pushing and expecting, we need to be gentle and compassionate. Adjust your expectations of what productivity looks like for now. Instead, focus on what you need to feel healthy, calm, and sane. That might mean a shift to a human being rather than doing.

Being Normal Guilt

Daily meditation is an essential part of my morning routine. Especially now, I am so grateful for this practice. Most days, I use guided meditations on the Insight Timer app. Lately, I’ve been experimenting with some newly released practices that focus on helping us navigate the COVID-19 crisis. They help me with discovering useful perspectives, offering calming strategies, and increasing compassion for self and others. In a recent practice, I listened to Rick Breden’s “Six Questions to Ask Yourself During COVID-19.” Rick is a psychotherapist and CEO of Behavioral Essentials. He asked this question,“What expectations of normal am I letting go of today?”

“What expectations of normal am I letting go of today?”

— Rick Breden

I loved that question because so many of us expect that we should be living like business as usual. But there is nothing ordinary about this time. Having some grace to let go of “normal,” means we can also let go of that guilt. We can let go of should and gift ourselves flexibility and the time needed to adjust to living differently.

Boundaries Guilt

I predict that at some point, you will be directly touched by COVID-19. You might have a family member, coworker, or patient that has it.  As humans, we’re wired to help people. Many people are being asked to go above and beyond to serve and help others while they are potentially putting themselves in harm’s way. Healthcare workers are being asked to be on the front lines and possibly come out of retirement or enter the workforce pre-graduation to assist all those in need. You might have a family member living with or near you that is ill and needs your help, which could put you in danger of also getting sick. Each of us has to decide what we are willing and not willing to do. What risks are we willing to take? And choosing not to help in every situation can result in a lot of guilt. This is a personal choice and a difficult one. If you are experiencing guilt around asserting your boundaries, I understand. Consider what you need to feel safe and remain healthy. Let the boundary guilt go.

Commitment Guilt

When I commit to something or someone, I like to honor my word. If I don’t, I feel guilty, and as though I’ve failed myself and the other person. This has happened a few times in the past few weeks. Circumstances were such that I wasn’t able to be at an event I had committed to or plan an annual event. In one instance, a family member needed my help, and that took priority over another commitment. In the other case, I recognized I didn’t have the bandwidth now to plan a large (virtual) gathering. And even though intellectually I understood the reasons, I was harsh with myself. I felt guilty for changing what I had committed to. I recognized that the kindness I needed was to let go of that guilt. So if you have experienced something similar, it’s time to let go. Grant yourself some grace and flexibility. Be open to adjusting your commitments if needed, guilt-free.

Complaint Guilt

There are so many horrific things happening in the world. People are dying, losing their jobs, and unable to feed their families. Communities are being destroyed. Health care workers are overworked and don’t have adequate protective gear and supplies to help those in need. Because there are so many horrible things going on, we feel guilty complaining about inconveniences like having spring vacation taken away or being unhappy with having to work virtually. There will always be someone that has it worse than you do. So instead of feeling guilty about complaining, perhaps turn it around and focus on gratitude. You can be grateful that you have a job, and simultaneously be upset and guilty that you don’t like how you’re being asked to do your job right now. Those two things can exist simultaneously. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s important to honor and express your feelings. Complaining or expressing is cathartic. Let go of the guilt and need we have to do it.

Communication Guilt

Many of us are in more intense contact with people now. We use a variety of ways to keep in touch and reach through the phone, email, texts, letters, Face Time, Skype, Zoom, or other platforms. Some of us are communicating with family, friends, and coworkers in new ways or more frequently. For some of us, it might feel like a full-time job. There are so many people we are concerned about in various corners of the world and in our lives. After several weeks of this, some of us are beginning to feel exhausted by the pandemic talk. Even though we think we should be reaching out, what we really feel like doing is retreating into our cocoon. No talking. No communicating. Just being still and quiet. That response is resulting in some feelings of guilt. After all, we keep hearing how important it is to stay in touch with people. So many are isolated. For those feeling guilty about wanting to communicate less, let your guilt go. Honor your needs. This doesn’t have to be an all or nothing. Take a break or reach out less frequently. Adjust what enough feels like.

We’re all feeling raw with the changes and uncertainty. It’s essential to focus on those things that lift us up, reduce stress, and help us feel centered. From there, we can increase our reserves so we have something left to help others. Guilt depletes us. Be generous with your self-compassion. Are you having difficulty letting go of guilt? What are you experiencing? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to leave a comment and join the conversation.

Perfect isn’t possible when it comes to entertaining. In fact, perfection is a recipe for undue stress. Letting go of perfect and infusing the situation with humor and intention is one of the lessons I’ve learned over time.

My husband, Steve and I have a long history of hosting events together. For the last 37+ years, we have gathered our friends and family for over one-hundred celebrations and get-togethers including birthdays, Thanksgivings, New Years’, Cajun dances, BBQs, brunches, dinners, cast parties, Bat Mitzvahs, and Passovers. As you might have guessed, we enjoy entertaining.  His parents and mine also loved hosting and were the center and gathering places for both of our families. They were gracious, generous, and inspiring role models. They taught us so much about love, life, teamwork, and hosting.

While it’s lovely to have people in our home, it takes organizing, planning, and preparation. We use a tag team approach and share our responsibilities and tasks. We each have our own event-specific lists that we update from year-to-year. Our lists include things like shopping items, dates to shop, cook times, beverage consumption, and tasks related to house set-up.

Our most recent event was this past weekend when we had 32 people for Passover.  Of all the meals we prepare, this one is the most complex because of the volume of food, multiple courses, and pacing. The cooking and house prep are done in advance over three or four days.

When it comes to entertaining, there are some letting go lessons I’ve learned. 

5 Lessons Learned About Letting Go of Perfect

• Uh-Oh. - Planning is terrific, but you will forget something like an essential ingredient for one of your recipes. That’s OK. Run out to the store, again. Add it to the list for next year. Remember you’re human and let go of being perfect.

• No You Don't. - You don’t have to do everything yourself. If someone asks, “Can I bring something?” say, “Thank you, yes.” Then look at your menu and ask for what you need. Let others participate. Let go of being responsible for the entire meal.

• Help Is Good. - People like to help because it makes them feel comfortable. Be ready to delegate. If your guests want to clear plates, wash dishes, help serve the soup, or refill the ice bucket, say, “Thank you, sure!” It’s gratitude time. Let go of having to do things a certain way and embrace those extra helping hands. You’ll be glad you did.

• The Real Plan. - There will be last minute cancellations, additions, or emergencies (medical and otherwise.) You never know what will happen, but something will happen. Remember that detailed plan I mentioned earlier? Laugh now, because it will change. Let go of exactness. Know that there’s a 99.9% chance you will need to deviate from the plan.

• What's Your Why? - Let go of expectations, but set an intention. One of the things my husband added to his list this year was, “Have fun!” I loved that, so I put it on my list too. Adding this simple reminder was just what I needed. It helped me focus on why we were doing this, which was to enjoy, gather, celebrate and have fun with our family and friends.

The details are significant, but they aren’t everything. They don’t have to be perfect. Remember your why. Allow it to permeate your actions with love, flexibility, and letting go.

Which letting go lessons resonates with you? Do you have others to add? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

Are you a change embracer, or do you avoid change at all costs? Maybe your attitude is contingent on whether you are driving change or if a change is being unwillingly thrust upon you. What have you noticed? Whether you approach change positively or negatively, letting go is an integral component. Seeking change will fuel the letting go process. We can’t move forward if one foot is planted in the past. We can’t engage in the present if we’re holding on too tightly to the way things used to be. We can’t grow if we aren’t willing to let go and experiment.

In this two-part Smead podcast, my friend John Hunt interviewed me about Signals for Change. We talked about eleven different cues or indicators that let you know when it might be time to make a change. As you watch the videos, consider this question:

What do you need to let go of to embrace change?

The Signals for Change – Part 1

How do you know when it’s time to make a change? In Part 1, I review five change indicators:  Boredom, spark, sleeplessness, drama, and dings. What role does letting go play in the changes you seek?

The Signals for Change – Part 2

Letting go is an integral part of the change process. In Part 2, I review six additional change cues:  Lateness, plateau, pain, environment, opportunity, and the “whoa” factor. What benefits will you experience by letting go?

Change and letting go can be stressful and challenging or exciting and freeing. Our attitude and circumstances influence how we navigate these experiences. Noticing a change indicator prepares you for the letting go process. What have you observed? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.